During a recent visit to my sister’s home, I had a conversation with her which has been on my mind ever since.
First, for your reading pleasure, a little background: My sister has lived in faraway distant lands for what has essentially amounted to all of our adult lives. Selfishly speaking, this has sucked. I miss her. Of course, I’m thrilled for her, and the opportunities she’s enjoyed. What’s been challenging for me is that she is the one person on this planet (the one single solitary person) who SEES me (who I ‘let’ see me?). They say that siblings share the closest relationship possible. I agree. Parents: of course, they are close – unconditional love, and all that good stuff. (And, yes, Mom, I know you see me, too. ) Friends: I know that some people’s friends ARE their families, and I surely have some of the dearest friends known to man. I adore them. Still, there’s a line that none of them can cross – a place where only my sister can be. She knows when something is wrong…if my actions don’t jive with the words that are coming out of my mouth. The fact that she hasn’t lived in the same city with me has meant that the only person to hold me accountable for the choices and decisions I’ve made has been me, myself, and I. And, therein lies the rub.
See, when you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share the same level of commitment as you do, it becomes necessary to develop an ability to use a large amount of creativity when talking about said relationship. Especially when you’re someone like me, who tends to worry a bit too much about what other people think. (See? Now I’m worrying that I just told you all that, and I want to defend myself…I don’t “always” do it…I “really” know that what others think is their own perception, and doesn’t carry as much weight as my own thoughts and feelings when making decisions for myself…) It took me a long time to get to the point where I was ready to walk away from my ex, because I had worked really hard to make sure that the relationship people “saw” was what I wanted them to see. My ex was my physical ideal – tall, well built, very fit, great smile, attractive – we looked cute together. I liked that. (I actually used to joke that our relationship proved Darwin’s Theory of Evolution – because no one would put up with an ugly dude who pulled the shit my ex did. lol) When he met people he was sweet, friendly, warm, charismatic – everyone liked him. The trouble was, he had no interest in developing friendships with anyone outside of our relationship. He liked my family just fine…he just didn’t care to join us for holidays, or participate in the birthday celebrations… Because he’d met most of the family on one occasion or another (he couldn’t avoid EVERY holiday after all), they all had a perception of him based on the way he acted when they met – which was that warm friendly guy I described a moment ago. So, I made a bit of a trap for myself. Inside I knew things would never work between us if he didn’t care to be involved with my family or friends (and there was the other minor issue of his being a lying cheater) – but I needed my family and friends to believe that I was with this great guy, so I stayed a lot longer than I might have otherwise. If Kjersti had been here, I could NEVER have carried on the façade as long as I did.
So, back to the part where I was visiting my sister. The ex’s name came up in casual conversation – and I acted the way I always do when his name comes up – sort of joking around, using humor to cover the truth. She wasn’t having it. Her reaction was instant and fueled by the fierce loyalty that only a sibling can muster. She said “I don’t even want to hear his name. For you, maybe there’s grey area, but for me, it’s black and white.
He stole the life you should have had.”
Those words have stuck in my mind. See…I was with him on and off – mostly on - for 10 years, from the ages of 29 to 39. That biologically ticking time bomb (er..I mean ‘clock’) ticked away the entire time. During that decade, virtually everyone I knew got married and started families, including my sister. She has created a wonderful family life for herself, and as of now I still don’t have that for me. I’ve always said I wanted kids. I’ve always assumed I’d have them “someday”. In her eyes, he took that from me. I don’t give him quite that much power – I was an adult participant who, for whatever reason (there are probably many – see follow up ‘full circle’ moment in the next paragraph) was not ready to be in a ‘real’ relationship at that time, so I settled for one that looked good on the outside. I got to do all the regular things that girls like to do: shop for a boyfriend on Valentine’s day, set my desk up at the office with cute boyfriend pictures, go on dates to the movies, snuggle up have lazy Saturday mornings at home…and I just sort of let the time pass. Her words put a whole new perspective on it for me. I’ll never know now what “might have been” had I walked away sooner than I did – but I learned that I’m not willing to settle for a pretend relationship any more either.
As things in life often do, this came full circle for me. My absent father and I have never had any type of real relationship. Over the years, on numerous occasions, I’ve reached out to him in an effort to try to know him. Although I never felt it should have been up to me to do so, I swallowed my pride did it anyway. On each and every one of those occasions, he’s dropped the ball. I call, we talk, he promises we will get together “soon” and I don’t hear back from him again. Recently, my mother got involved and suggested that we drive to meet him for brunch one day. (He only lives a few hours away…and has NEVER lived further than that in my entire life.) At first, I considered it. Then, after thinking about my sister and her clear view of the relationship I had with my ex, it all snapped into place: I’d be doing the exact same thing with my biological father – ‘creating’ some sort of relationship where really, there was none. Unless HE is the one to reach out to me, and HE is the one to say whatever it takes, I want to know you, and learn about you - - it would be pointless. He’s shown me exactly who he is. First, by being absent throughout my childhood and then, by repeatedly choosing not to maintain contact with me every time I’ve reached out to him. So, I’m not going to just offer myself to him. He hasn’t earned the right to know me. He may never earn that right. But what I know for sure is, I’m not willing to “create” another relationship for the first absent man in my life, who, with his absence, may have stolen the life I should have had.
